BARON MEETS A WANKER

Photography

Edith Bergfors


Baron doesn’t judge the world in which we exist; just documents it. So when we spot the strange, we don’t run, we take out our pencils and begin writing notes. 

Masturbation is older than the pyramids, but alas, a lot has changed since those giant erections were… erected? And one of those things is saturation, which brings the cheap, sexed up markets that go along with it. From milk moustached chanteuses plastered across buses, to Page 3 stunnaahs, ‘it’ is everywhere. Over-smut. In fact, it’s no surprise that men are turning to park brick walls and flora and fauna for a bit of intimacy. Why not? We grab the time of day with the London Fields masturbator and find out how exciting it can be to crotch rub at strangers… or not.

Baron/ Hello dear.

What are you doing over there in the dark?

Silence… it takes time to lure a wanker…

B/ Don’t be shy now. Too late for that. Tell us what you’re doing?

Silence… the stranger is tight lipped on his expansive activity…

B/ Can you speak?

Wanker/ YES!

B/ What are you doing?

W/ Enjoying myself…

B/ Us too… You like to do it out in the open?

W/ …. 

B/ Behind the wall in London Fields?

W/ ….

Wanker needs to be cajoled…

B/ Come on. I’m just intrigued to what it is that’s so interesting about the wall that you’re facing?

W/ It’s nothing about the wall.

B/ What is it then?

W/ The open air.

B/ Oh. Do you not have a garden where you live?

Who does?

W/ No.

B/ Hah! That’s why?

W/ Alright, Ok.

Wanker has been caught…

B/ Am I distracting you?

W/ No.

B/ Do you think that this is a bit weird?

W/ What?

B/ To be masturbating in the park.

W/ No. Do you?

B/ Yeah, a little bit. 

Baron actually think its a big bit weird…

W/ Why?

B/ ‘Cause it’s something that most people keep to themselves.

W/ Yeah, Ok.

B/ Is it people watching you that does it?

W/ Nah, I just enjoy sex. I’m intrigued as well.

B/ Hmm. It’s just another level?

W/ I don’t know.

B/ Do you like people to know you’re doing it?

W/ I don’t know. I wouldn’t do it in, like, daylight.

B/ You seem pretty open about it. Have you noticed us noticing you?

W/ Kind of.

B/ And does it put you off?

W/ No.

B/ Does it do the opposite?

W/ Does it do what?

B/ Does it turn you on to know that we’ve seen you?

W/ Yeah.

B/ Are you fantasising in your head or is it the whole situation that turns you on?

 W/ I’m not fantasising, no. It’s not a fantasy.

B/ Do you just like the cool breeze on your penis?

W/ Haha! I used to, about four years ago, run around naked in this park.

B/ Streaking?

W/ Yeah.

B/ So you’ve got a thing about being naked in the open air?

W/ Yeah, I love it.

B/ Have you ever considered being a nudist?

W/ No, no.

B/ Why not?

W/ It’s not natural… I’m actually scared of having sex.

B/ You’re scared of having sex?

W/ Yeah, ‘cause people have, like, diseases and stuff.

B/ But surely you know how to be safe?

Wanker goes silent…

B/ Are you scared emotionally about having sex?

W/ No, but it’s easier when someone else isn’t involved… I enjoy being naked.

B/ But on your own rather than with someone else?

W/ Well, that’s the thing, there’s not many people to do it with.

B/ I’m sure you could convince someone?

W/ I don’t know… Do you guys live near, locally? How long have you been here?

B/ Nearish, 7 years… If you had the option of having sex with a girl in the bushes or here on your own, which would you choose?

W/ I’d be here.

B/ Even if it was the best sex you’d ever had?

W/ No, no. Yeah, I enjoy women’s bodies, I like women’s bodies and stuff, but I don’t wanna catch a disease.

B/ What if you made the woman take an STD test?

W/ A what?

B/ A sexually transmitted disease test. And she came out negative?

W/ What?

B/ If you knew she was clean.

W/ I was with someone, and I got her checked…

B/ Have you ever had one before?

W/ Pardon?

B/ An STD?

W/ STD. What’s that?

(Baron’s friend wants to go home)

B/ We’re gonna have to dart off now. Have a good night and have a good time!

And with that Baron was off to regale friends with stories of the character met in the park. Wow, wankers really are dull. Unless of course, we listen to our pseudo-intellectual amateur psycological profiler side and deduce that it’s often the men fixated on the filth and dirtiness of women who turn out to be the psychos. But hey ho. Off for a drink.